Meddling With Mallory
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory tries to have a heart to heart talk with her son. It goes as well as you would expect.


**Mallory took disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Because that's what she does. This is just more madness from my tiny little brain. Because I can't wait for season eight!**

 **Meddling With Mallory **

"All right Mother," Archer entered his mother's office. "What's so important that you had to have me stay after work?"

"Well I'm sorry to take you away from your bar crawling after a hard, grueling day of doing **nothing** ," Mallory said sarcastically as she stood there with her arms folded. "But this is important."

"I'm sure you think it is," Archer groaned.

"Sterling we need to have a talk," Mallory said as she closed the door.

"We **do**?" Archer groaned. "Then I need to get a drink." He went and poured himself one from Mallory's bar.

"Sterling, normally I don't like to get involved in your personal life…" Mallory began.

"HA!" Archer scoffed. "Now on KBBL, it's time for Meddling With Mallory. Sponsored by Bitch Tech."

"I **don't**!" Mallory snapped. "But this time I think I need to say something! You're screwing up your life you idiot!"

"How am I doing that **this time**?" Archer sighed as he took a drink.

"How do you **think**?" Mallory told him as she sat down behind her desk. "By obsessing over Veronica Deane! Listen to me Sterling, you have had many, many, many, _many_ women…More women than…"

"A sixteenth century convent?" Archer quipped as he sat down across from her. "Actually I have had women from a convent…"

"Defiling the brides of Christ aside," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Of all the women you have both literally and figuratively been entangled with, Lana is the best of the lot. Not that the bar was extremely high in that regard…"

"Now you're on _Lana's side_?" Archer barked.

"Yes Sterling," Mallory said. "I actually like Lana!"

"You realize that's a good argument for me to stop seeing her right?" Archer quipped.

"Listen to me Sterling," Mallory snapped. "Lana may have her faults but she's as good as you are going to get. And I don't mean all of that in a good way. You pretty much sealed your reputation as an untrustworthy cad in high school."

"Is this about my lacrosse coach's wife again?" Archer groaned. "She came onto **me!"**

"That is one of many, many incidents of your libido going out of control during your formative years," Mallory growled. "But I am mostly referring to the Debutante Ball Disaster!"

"Oh **that,** " Archer waved. "That was actually a better party than I thought it would be."

"Not surprising," Mallory said icily. "Considering you cheated on your date in the women's bathroom. Spiked the punch. Punched three people, including a chaperone. Gave the finger to **another** chaperone. Urinated in the gazebo. And stole a limo which you drove into that same gazebo!"

"Oh yeah," Archer chuckled as he took a drink. "Good times."

"Not for **me!** " Mallory snapped. "I was mortified. I had such high hopes for you Sterling. I was hoping you would get engaged and marry one of those wonderful, well-bred high society darlings."

"Further integrating **yourself** into high society," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Well **that ship** sailed the minute Mr. Deffleton flew across the room right into the punch bowl!" Mallory snapped.

"Mr. Defecation Douche-Bag," Archer snickered. "God I hated that guy."

"The feeling was **mutual** ," Mallory glared at him. "To this day I'm **still** banned from the Belzian Grove because of your antics!"

"Oh yeah, it's all **my fault** ," Archer snorted as he took another drink. "Nothing to do with the fact that you tried to sleep with the Chairwoman's husband."

"And as you grew older your reputation further degraded," Mallory gritted her teeth. "No well to do family would send their maid anywhere **near** the Man Whore of Manhattan! Let alone their precious daughters!"

"That's not the nickname I got!" Archer protested.

"That the one I heard in the clubs!" Mallory snapped. "Since that possibility was smashed to pieces along with my Stubends I resigned myself to the fate of you dying of some disease unmarried in some hotel with one or two of your little whores for company. And a herd of bastards showing up at your funeral, further shaming me!"

"Well one can only dream Mother."

"But now that you're with Lana…" Mallory said. "Leftist leanings aside she's not that bad a match for you. And her family is loaded now. As well as well placed in the community. All right the Academic and Black community but still…"

"And another potential source of income you can scam off of," Archer groaned.

"Sterling I am your mother and I care about you," Mallory said. "And I am trying to help you in a loving nurturing way. But you're too **stupid** to see that! What is **wrong** with you?"

"God you sound like Ray," Archer grumbled. "He gave me this same lecture weeks ago. Well not exactly the same. His lacked the evil harpy like tone yours has."

" **Gillette** talked to you about this?" Mallory was stunned. "Normally I'd be insulted by the comparison but in this case he's right."

"Now you're on _his side_?" Archer barked. "You hate Ray!"

"Sisters before misters," Mallory shrugged.

"Who are **you** to judge me?" Archer snapped. "It's not like you've been batting a thousand all these years!"

"And just what is **that** supposed to mean?" Mallory snapped.

"It means you've made quite a few mistakes yourself in the romance department," Archer snapped.

"I have not!"

"Oh really?" Archer snorted. "Len Trexler? Nicolai Jackov? Those two names don't ring any bells?"

"Those were mostly work things," Mallory shrugged.

"They're the two men who could be **my father** things!" Archer snapped. "Which leads me to Father Burnside."

"He was going to leave the church anyway long before I came along," Mallory told him.

"He got excommunicated because of you," Archer gave her a look.

"Expelled. Not excommunicated," Mallory corrected. "Big difference."

"Then there was that one night stand that ended up robbing you," Archer added. "As well as not putting out."

"A momentary lapse in judgement," Mallory admitted.

"You had a **lot** of moments that were lapsed in judgement," Archer gave her a look. "Flim Flam Freddy?"

"That man is **dead** to me!" Mallory snapped. "Or he will be once I track him down."

"That cardinal that tried to assassinate the Pope?"

"We weren't together when he tried to do that!" Mallory protested.

"That guy you shacked up with for a week," Archer added.

"All right I admit **that time** I moved a little fast…" Mallory admitted.

"Uncle Fred?" Archer asked.

"How was I supposed to know he was married?" Mallory snapped.

"The fact his wife organized the funeral should have been a clue!" Archer snapped. "That mob boss you spent a weekend overseas with?"

"Which one?" Mallory blinked.

"Captain Drake," Archer added. "The head of the Space Pirates and the self-proclaimed King of Mars. Not to mention Captain Lammers the guy who almost blew up that blimp."

"I have a weakness for men in uniform!"

"More like a weakness for men **out** of uniform," Archer quipped. "If I remember the incident in the men's room at Le Cirque correctly!"

"You know…?" Mallory gave him a look.

"My point Mother is that getting relationship advice from **you** is like getting relationship advice from the Countess De Lave and Queen Cersei combined," Archer snapped. "You're just as bad as I am when it comes to dating. Oh dear God so many things are just making sense now…"

"Oh now you're blaming me for **your failures**?" Mallory snapped.

"Well he did learn how to be a total man whore from you," Cheryl called out.

"CAROL SHUT UP BEFORE I GLUE YOUR MOUTH SHUT!" Mallory snapped.

"God now that I think about it," Archer realized. "Ron is the best of the lot."

"Yes, and I actually married him!" Mallory pointed out.

"Doesn't stop you from hitting on guys every chance you get," Archer gave her a look.

"He's got you there Ms. Archer," Cheryl called out.

"I'M GOING TO GET **YOU** SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR GLUE HOLE!" Mallory shouted. "PREFERABLY SOMETHING SHARP SO I CAN CUT YOUR TONGUE OUT!"

"Why do you **think** he's so into Veronica Deane?" Pam shouted from behind the door. "It's a mother obsession. Everybody knows it."

"YOU TOO PAM!" Archer shouted. "AND WHY ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS STILL HERE?"

"We wanted to hear Ms. Archer yell at you, duh!" Cheryl called out.

"Seriously Archer, your mother does have a point," Pam added. "You shouldn't take Lana for granted."

"I don't really care about that," Cheryl said. "I care more about everyone to stop bitching about Veronica Deane. It's getting boring!"

"You know what they say Archer," Pam added. "A bush in the hand is worth more than a bird."

"She's talking about Lana's…" Cheryl began.

"I GET IT!" Archer stormed to the door and opened it. "NOW YOU **GET OUT**!"

"Vagina," Cheryl added. "Lana's vagina. But bush doesn't really apply in this case."

"Yeah that baby is smoother than a bowling ball that's been polished," Pam added.

"POLISH THIS!" Archer threw his empty glass.

"OW!" Pam shouted. Cheryl just laughed.

"Oh great! You broke another one of my Stubends!" Mallory snapped. "At this point I don't even know why I bother replacing them. Might as well just pick up a set of drink glasses at K-Mart. I go through them so fast it might be more economical!"

"Oh like you would be seen dead at K-Mart!" Archer barked. "Wait, are those still around?"

"Who knows?" Mallory said. "And obviously, I wouldn't be buying them myself! I'd send out for them!"

"Does K-Mart even deliver?" Archer asked.

"If it doesn't that could be part of the reason it's not doing well these days," Pam spoke up.

"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST GET OUT OF HERE?" Mallory shouted. "I'm trying to have a private conversation with my idiot son about how he's ruining his life!"

"Especially when you've done such a bang up job about that!" Archer glared at her.

"Oh no!" Mallory shouted. "You're not blaming **me** this time for your wandering eye! Mark my words Sterling, if you screw this up with Lana…"

"You'll make my life a living hell," Archer rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I know that tune! And it's not even my birthday!"

"Keep acting like this and you may not **live** to see another birthday!" Mallory snapped as Archer left the room.

"You know the old gypsy woman did say something like that the last time I talked to her," Cheryl thought.

"Stuff it Arti- **choke** Brain!" Mallory snapped at Cheryl. "And Sterling come **back here!** I'm not done talking to you!"

"Well I'm done **listening** to you!" Archer shouted back.

"Where the hell does he get this attitude from?" Mallory threw up her hands.

" _Seriously?"_ Cheryl gave Mallory a look. Mallory glared back at her.


End file.
